Wednesday, 18 November 2015

All-purpose statement

Well, despite our best efforts this so-called review has been stuck on the web somewhere [which one is this about? Oh, that one – OK – good job we did that ‘sad face’ training eh?]. It’s really long and boring with complicated tables and charts and stuff – not worth ploughing through, to be honest. We’ve done our own easy-read though cos we’re so down with the kids [what? It’s not teenagers?], cos we’re in a co-dependent – no – co-producifying relationship with our meal ticket – patients [no, they’re not patients any more? What the actual?] service user-type types. Here it is – just look at that instead.

We’re so not bothered about this bollocks [oh, sad face now?]. We’re absolutely gutted that this review was commissioned in the first place and has seen the light of day. Families, supporters and shit can just do one [what now?], move on somewhere else far, far away please, and stop bugging me. We’ve had some lunches with actual, y’know, important people and they couldn’t give a toss, so I don’t need to press the emergency golden parachute button. Shame in a way, part of me was looking forward to that management consultancy contract and getting away from all these badly-dressed people [focus? What do you mean?].

[Lessons bit now, right?] We’ve learned so many lessons from this review. In fact, we’re so amazeballs that we learned the lessons before the, erm, fuck-up incident strategy event actually happened, so we’ve totally changed while staying the same excellent service we’ve always been [does this statement sound right to you? Seems a bit off somehow?]. It’s all my responsibility that I feel with great indifference, but when it comes down to it it’s all your fault, and I’m feeling really quite upset that you’ve been so horrid as to question anything I’ve ever done about anything because it’s really cut into my awards dinners.

I’ll say off, and you put any word you like in front of it [no, I’m not talking to any effing journalists]